Chris Elliott

by Chris Elliott

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about

Satirical songwriter tackles religion, family discord, political tension, existential dread, and infidelity.

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released February 1, 2017

Written and recorded by Christopher Thomas Elliott

All sound samples public domain.

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Austin & Elliott Montague, Massachusetts

Partners in harmonizing crime from Western Mass.

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Track Name: Star Trek, Star Wars, and the Holy Bible
Star Trek, Star Wars, and the Holy Bible

The story I must tell is all about survival.
It's about Star Trek, Star Wars, and the Holy Bible.
The story I must tell turns out a little sad.
Darth Vader says, "Luke, I'm your Dad."
Long, long ago, on the Earth somewhere
Job on his knees says, "Beam me up, Lord, are you there?"
Mary sends a message, "Save me Obi-wan."
Luke says, "Abraham, I don't want to be your son."
The Death Star attacks the Star Ship Enterprise.
The dark side of the Force takes Scotty by surprise.
Captain Kirk cries out. Jesus comes to him.
"Damn it," Jesus says, "I'm not a savior, Jim.”
I know I know, I know
That’s how the story goes.
I know I know I know I see
Chapter 6, episode 22, season 6, verse 33.
Moses parts the sea with his golden light saber.
Three Jedi Knights pray to Yoda in the manger.
In heaven Mr. Spock shakes God’s hand.
"Your logic, sir, I do not understand."
I know I know, I know
That’s how the story goes.
I know I know I know I see.
Chapter 6, episode 22, season 6, verse 33.
Track Name: New Frankie and Johnny
New Frankie and Johnny

Work, work, working all day
Frankie couldn’t feed her kid.
Johnny had no money
But Uncle Sam sure did.
He’s a man and he done her wrong.

“Goodbye mama, my sweet mama,
You’re the best I had.
I might come home a hero
Or I might come home like Dad.”
He’s a man and he done her wrong.

“Goodbye daughter, my sweet daughter.
How proud I feel.”
They went to Burger King
For their last meal.
He’s a man and he done her wrong.

Frankie went off to the war
Scared as a girl could be.
Her mother passed away
Watching the preacher on TV.
He’s a man and he done her wrong.

Bombs hit bunkers, bombs hit tankers,
Bombs even hit a house.
The dead girl Frankie saw
Wore a shirt with Mickey Mouse.
He’s a man and he done her wrong.

The bombs were pretty smart,
Smart as smart bombs come—
But how much would a smart bomb bomb
If a smart bomb weren’t so dumb?
He’s a man and he done her wrong.

Frankie came back from the war
With a darkness in her eye.
A voice in the back of her head
Said, “Why don’t you curse God and die?”
He’s a man and he done her wrong.

“Help me, help me doctor.
Save me from my fate.”
The doctor looked at her credit card’s
Expiration date.
He’s a man and he done her wrong.

Johnny said to Frankie,
“I found someone new.
I’m leaving town tomorrow
With her on a honeymoon.”
He’s a man and he done her wrong.

“Johnny, say your prayers.”
“Frankie, please don’t shoot.”
She pulled hard on the trigger
And the gun went root-a-toot-toot.
He’s a man and he done her wrong.

Sirens started wailing.
Bells began to ring.
She wandered up the drive-thru
At Burger King.
He’s a man and he done her wrong.

At the drive-thru menu
She fell to her knees.
The voice inside the speaker said,
“May I help you please?”
He’s a man and he done her wrong.

This story’s got no moral.
This story’s got no end.
This story only goes to show
There ain’t no good in men.
He’s a man and he done her wrong.
Track Name: Jesus, My Son
Jesus My Son

Jesus my son,

Your mother and I are concerned.
You say it’s time for you to return.
You’d better think twice.

Jesus my son,
You say you'll save the earth,
But all you'll do is get hurt.
You’d better think twice.

Jesus my son,
Your mother and I disapprove.
This business of love is a bad career move.
You’d better think twice.

Down there alone
Far from home,
Look at the sky in the night.
Your mother and I will leave on a light.
Is this what you really want to do with your life?
You’d better think twice,
Jesus Christ.

Jesus my son,
Your shoes are out in the hall.
Strap 'em on tight or you'll fall.

Take my advice.
You’d better think twice.
You’d better think twice,
Jesus Christ.
Track Name: Round Like an Orange
The world is round like an orange.
Let me explain.
The texture and the form and the color are the same.
The world is round like an orange.
It’s all we grasp.
Once you were the fortune teller who told me my past.

The world is round like an orange.
Look and it’s gone.
Why do I lose everything I lay my hands upon?
The world is round like an orange.
See how it fits
In a baseball glove, in a cup, and in a fist.

The world is round like an orange.
It looks like this.
Tell me your misfortune and I’ll add it to the list.
The world is round like an orange.
See it spin.
You’ll never build a box big enough to put it in.

The world is round like an orange
For you and me.
We’re not much to look at, but we’re something to see.
See how it fits
In a baseball glove, in a cup, and in a fist.

The world is round like an orange.
The color’s true,
Brilliant as the sunrise and the sunset too.
The world is round like an orange.
See how it fits
In a baseball glove, in a cup, and in a fist.
Track Name: Sleepwalkin'
Wheelbarrow up against
A tire and a crooked fence
Vacuum tangled up
Tubes and broken cups
Hound dog barkin'
Trash man talkin'
Drivers in their minivans sleepwalkin'

Junk piled on junk
One lone tree stump
Furniture in a room
Chimney like a tomb
Mailman knockin'
Empty chair rockin'
Travelers on the train sleepwalkin'

You wake up in the morning
You fall asleep at night
Between you find the time
To satisfy your appetite

Overflowing landfill
Heartbreaking roadkill
In every bed and every grave
A choice lies unmade
Or made for mysterious
Reasons still unclear to us
Are we sleepwalkin'?
Track Name: Home for the Holidays
Home for the Holidays

Aunt Virginia’s born again.
She used to be on heroin.
Now she’s in a better way,
Home for the holidays.
You begin the meal with grace
Managing a straight face.
Pass the wine, pass the peas.
Let’s not talk religion, please.

Please, no politics.
Uncle Earl gets right on with it.
“Here’s the ham, howya been?
Are you still vegetarian?”
They’ve become so right wing
It’s hard to talk about anything
Except for food, sports, and weather.
Let’s give peace a chance together.

Blood on blood is thicker than water,
Father and son, sister and brother.
Jesus was a lamb.
Lambs get slaughtered.

Slip a scrap to the dog.
Pour some rum in your soy nog.
Uncle Rex makes a joke
That makes them laugh and makes you choke.
Funny how he sees the world
Eye to eye with Uncle Earl.
Father stays above the fray,
Head buried in his plate.

Mother sighs like your sister,
Mean and nasty, but you missed her.
Wouldn’t grandchildren be nice?
A dog will have to suffice.
Grandma 1 and Grandma 2
Talk about what’s wrong with you.
You have no kids, you have no house,
You’re sleeping on the pullout couch.

Blood on blood is thicker than water,
Father and son, sister and brother.
Jesus was a lamb.
Lambs get slaughtered.

There’s your nephew. There’s your niece.
The whole family’s ‘round the feast.
They may love you in their way.
They mean well, but you can’t stay.
Swap the gifts. “Thank you.” “Cheers.”
Say goodbye until next year.
Unless Christ returns by then
You’ll have to go through this again.
Track Name: Cinderella's Midnight Surprise
Cinderella's Midnight Surprise

Her father says, "Cinderella, the hour has come.

I'm giving you a bullet, you must go and find the gun

That has a barrel which this bullet fits.
It won't be easy, Cindy, ‘cause only one exists, 

And the man who owns the gun,

No matter who or what he may be

Will take you as his bride. Goodbye Cindy baby."

Cinderella says, "Oh, to leave you brings me sorrow,
But I know joy awaits me in the forests of tomorrow.

I trust in you, my father, as I trust in God above.

I shall find the gun. I shall find the man I'll love.
Eagerly I go into this unknown world I've yet to see.”
Her father sighs, "Things are as they shall be."

Meanwhile in the distance, in a sunset headed west,

Two lovers argue over who loves the other best.



Cinderella rides in her silver wedding gown,

Past the crippled drummer boy, to the battleground.
Her body trembles. Her knees go weak.

An arena full of soldiers are killing cheek to cheek.
The moment she arrives, the smoking cannons hush.

Tucking in their shirts, down the generals rush.

"Hello hello," she cries. "Everybody listen.

My name is Cinderella, I'm a princess on a mission.
I'm holding here a bullet, and whoever has the gun

Which this bullet fits is quite a lucky one
For he shall be my husband." Cinderella searches

Their weapons one by one, stepping over corpses.

Meanwhile in a room, the lovers get undressed 

And argue with each other who loves the other best.



The final soldier stands, infernos in his eyes,

Clawing at his bandage. Like a lunatic, he cries,

"I see burning mansions. I see burning stairs.

I see love overcome the horror and despair."

She wraps her arms around herself, shattered by the misery.

Falling on his saber, he dies against her knees.



She picks up the gun from the dead soldier's hand.

The bullet fits perfectly. She says, "I understand
How love can overcome. I can hear my true love call,"
Lays the gun against her breast,
 and lets the hammer fall.

Her father back at home shivers from within
And mutters to himself,
" Things are as they have always been."

Meanwhile in the hall, echoes murmur as if ghosts
Of enemies that argue who hates the other most.

Track Name: Star-Studded Extravaganza
Star-Studded Extravaganza

At the star-studded extravaganza
Singers sang the songs of Abba.
In a shocking fall from grace
A starlet tripped and fell on her face
In front of critics, fans, and cameras
At the star-studded extravaganza.
Now the world laughs at her name.
In her high heel shoes she hangs her head in shame.

Gods and goddesses of Olympus
Human all too human knew this.
Gravity gets away.
Gravity has a way.
Gravity tends to sway.
Gravity goes one way.

At the Miss America pageant
One contestant went on a tangent—
Something ‘bout the future is the children.
Everyone laughed at her.
I was the meanest one among them.

Gods and goddesses of Olympus
Human all too human knew this.
Gravity gets away.
Gravity has a way.
Gravity tends to sway.
Gravity goes one way.
Track Name: Procreation Song
Babies 1 2 3
In a crib or on your knee.
Sorry, I don’t feel the need,
It’s not for me.

Babies 4 5 6,
Politicians have to kiss
Something cute and little Debbie does the trick.

Babies 7 8 9
Marching to the factory line
Building rocket ships to spread and multiply.

Babies 10 11 12
Making copies of themselves
If there's a hell we make it here on Earth ourselves.

Babies 13 we’re full up
With names and numbers. There’s enough
People here already crying out for love.

Like a dandelion seed
Blows and scatters in the breeze
Or salmon swim to lay their eggs upstream.

It’s a procreation song.
Track Name: You're Wrong
You’re Wrong

Marguerita from a mix in a red plastic cup,
Whatever’s going down tonight ain’t gonna get back up.
Wedding party near the jetty, stumbling I relate.
I got all the facts, but I just can’t keep them straight.

Cousins drink White Russians, cracking open lobster shells.
In-laws act like outlaws—they all are laws unto themselves.
Father gives his millionth rant about Obamacare.
“Yes,” I say, “Uh-huh. What else would you like to share?”

And the men sing along to a dirty old drinking song.
We don’t get along.
It’s on, it’s on, it’s on, it’s on, it’s on, it’s on.
I’m right, and you’re wrong.

Grandpa says that FDR started World War Two.
The neighbor says that corporate entities are people too.
Bill’s a truther. Tim’s a birther. Where’s Hooters? I get mad
From all the bad ideas humanity has ever had.

And the men sing along to a dirty old drinking song.
We don’t get along.
It’s on, it’s on, it’s on, it’s on, it’s on, it’s on.
I’m right, and you’re wrong.

Full moon in the harbor shining like a pearl,
The world is filling up with monkeys looking for a barrel.
Listening to the lyrics, I am shocked and appalled
By how little any of us jokers have evolved.

And the men sing along to a dirty old drinking song.
We don’t get along.
It’s on, it’s on, it’s on, it’s on, it’s on, it’s on.
I’m right, and you’re wrong.
Track Name: Cheat on You
Cheat on You 



I don't think it's funny.
You've been cheating on me, honey.
I've seen it happen, and I've had enough
,
So I'm gonna do something terrible to you.
That's why tonight I'm all dressed up.

I'm gonna cheat on you.
Cheat on you.
If you don't think it's fair, I don't really care.
When the tables turn, you’d better grab a chair.

I might call up an ex for some Tyrannosaurus Sex

And if that makes you cry, I'm glad.
If I find a floozy, I'll swim in her Jacuzzi.
Pardon me, I don't mean to brag

But I'm gonna cheat on you.
Cheat on you.

I'll handle it with grace as I rub it in your face

And call you in the morning from her place.

You can blame it all on Cupid.
Maybe he needs glasses, or maybe he's just stupid.
Love is for the dodos,
And I think you'll agree when I show you the photos.

When you cheated on me sweetie 

You gave me a freebie—
A one-way ticket to revenge.
Everybody has their limits.

All I need is fifteen minutes

And with some luck one of your best friends

To cheat on you.
Cheat on you.
If it's a ménage a tois

You're not invited, ha ha ha.
Baby, I still love you, na na na na na na na...