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Chris Elliott

by Chris Elliott

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1.
Star Trek, Star Wars, and the Holy Bible The story I must tell is all about survival. It's about Star Trek, Star Wars, and the Holy Bible. The story I must tell turns out a little sad. Darth Vader says, "Luke, I'm your Dad." Long, long ago, on the Earth somewhere Job on his knees says, "Beam me up, Lord, are you there?" Mary sends a message, "Save me Obi-wan." Luke says, "Abraham, I don't want to be your son." The Death Star attacks the Star Ship Enterprise. The dark side of the Force takes Scotty by surprise. Captain Kirk cries out. Jesus comes to him. "Damn it," Jesus says, "I'm not a savior, Jim.” I know I know, I know That’s how the story goes. I know I know I know I see Chapter 6, episode 22, season 6, verse 33. Moses parts the sea with his golden light saber. Three Jedi Knights pray to Yoda in the manger. In heaven Mr. Spock shakes God’s hand. "Your logic, sir, I do not understand." I know I know, I know That’s how the story goes. I know I know I know I see. Chapter 6, episode 22, season 6, verse 33.
2.
New Frankie and Johnny Work, work, working all day Frankie couldn’t feed her kid. Johnny had no money But Uncle Sam sure did. He’s a man and he done her wrong. “Goodbye mama, my sweet mama, You’re the best I had. I might come home a hero Or I might come home like Dad.” He’s a man and he done her wrong. “Goodbye daughter, my sweet daughter. How proud I feel.” They went to Burger King For their last meal. He’s a man and he done her wrong. Frankie went off to the war Scared as a girl could be. Her mother passed away Watching the preacher on TV. He’s a man and he done her wrong. Bombs hit bunkers, bombs hit tankers, Bombs even hit a house. The dead girl Frankie saw Wore a shirt with Mickey Mouse. He’s a man and he done her wrong. The bombs were pretty smart, Smart as smart bombs come— But how much would a smart bomb bomb If a smart bomb weren’t so dumb? He’s a man and he done her wrong. Frankie came back from the war With a darkness in her eye. A voice in the back of her head Said, “Why don’t you curse God and die?” He’s a man and he done her wrong. “Help me, help me doctor. Save me from my fate.” The doctor looked at her credit card’s Expiration date. He’s a man and he done her wrong. Johnny said to Frankie, “I found someone new. I’m leaving town tomorrow With her on a honeymoon.” He’s a man and he done her wrong. “Johnny, say your prayers.” “Frankie, please don’t shoot.” She pulled hard on the trigger And the gun went root-a-toot-toot. He’s a man and he done her wrong. Sirens started wailing. Bells began to ring. She wandered up the drive-thru At Burger King. He’s a man and he done her wrong. At the drive-thru menu She fell to her knees. The voice inside the speaker said, “May I help you please?” He’s a man and he done her wrong. This story’s got no moral. This story’s got no end. This story only goes to show There ain’t no good in men. He’s a man and he done her wrong.
3.
Jesus My Son Jesus my son,
 Your mother and I are concerned. You say it’s time for you to return. You’d better think twice. Jesus my son, You say you'll save the earth, But all you'll do is get hurt. You’d better think twice. Jesus my son, Your mother and I disapprove. This business of love is a bad career move. You’d better think twice. Down there alone Far from home, Look at the sky in the night. Your mother and I will leave on a light. Is this what you really want to do with your life? You’d better think twice, Jesus Christ. Jesus my son, Your shoes are out in the hall. Strap 'em on tight or you'll fall. Take my advice. You’d better think twice. You’d better think twice, Jesus Christ.
4.
The world is round like an orange. Let me explain. The texture and the form and the color are the same. The world is round like an orange. It’s all we grasp. Once you were the fortune teller who told me my past. The world is round like an orange. Look and it’s gone. Why do I lose everything I lay my hands upon? The world is round like an orange. See how it fits In a baseball glove, in a cup, and in a fist. The world is round like an orange. It looks like this. Tell me your misfortune and I’ll add it to the list. The world is round like an orange. See it spin. You’ll never build a box big enough to put it in. The world is round like an orange For you and me. We’re not much to look at, but we’re something to see. See how it fits In a baseball glove, in a cup, and in a fist. The world is round like an orange. The color’s true, Brilliant as the sunrise and the sunset too. The world is round like an orange. See how it fits In a baseball glove, in a cup, and in a fist.
5.
Sleepwalkin' 03:31
Wheelbarrow up against A tire and a crooked fence Vacuum tangled up Tubes and broken cups Hound dog barkin' Trash man talkin' Drivers in their minivans sleepwalkin' Junk piled on junk One lone tree stump Furniture in a room Chimney like a tomb Mailman knockin' Empty chair rockin' Travelers on the train sleepwalkin' You wake up in the morning You fall asleep at night Between you find the time To satisfy your appetite Overflowing landfill Heartbreaking roadkill In every bed and every grave A choice lies unmade Or made for mysterious Reasons still unclear to us Are we sleepwalkin'?
6.
Home for the Holidays Aunt Virginia’s born again. She used to be on heroin. Now she’s in a better way, Home for the holidays. You begin the meal with grace Managing a straight face. Pass the wine, pass the peas. Let’s not talk religion, please. Please, no politics. Uncle Earl gets right on with it. “Here’s the ham, howya been? Are you still vegetarian?” They’ve become so right wing It’s hard to talk about anything Except for food, sports, and weather. Let’s give peace a chance together. Blood on blood is thicker than water, Father and son, sister and brother. Jesus was a lamb. Lambs get slaughtered. Slip a scrap to the dog. Pour some rum in your soy nog. Uncle Rex makes a joke That makes them laugh and makes you choke. Funny how he sees the world Eye to eye with Uncle Earl. Father stays above the fray, Head buried in his plate. Mother sighs like your sister, Mean and nasty, but you missed her. Wouldn’t grandchildren be nice? A dog will have to suffice. Grandma 1 and Grandma 2 Talk about what’s wrong with you. You have no kids, you have no house, You’re sleeping on the pullout couch. Blood on blood is thicker than water, Father and son, sister and brother. Jesus was a lamb. Lambs get slaughtered. There’s your nephew. There’s your niece. The whole family’s ‘round the feast. They may love you in their way. They mean well, but you can’t stay. Swap the gifts. “Thank you.” “Cheers.” Say goodbye until next year. Unless Christ returns by then You’ll have to go through this again.
7.
Cinderella's Midnight Surprise Her father says, "Cinderella, the hour has come.
 I'm giving you a bullet, you must go and find the gun
 That has a barrel which this bullet fits. It won't be easy, Cindy, ‘cause only one exists, 
 And the man who owns the gun,
 No matter who or what he may be
 Will take you as his bride. Goodbye Cindy baby." Cinderella says, "Oh, to leave you brings me sorrow, But I know joy awaits me in the forests of tomorrow.
 I trust in you, my father, as I trust in God above.
 I shall find the gun. I shall find the man I'll love. Eagerly I go into this unknown world I've yet to see.” Her father sighs, "Things are as they shall be." Meanwhile in the distance, in a sunset headed west,
 Two lovers argue over who loves the other best.

 Cinderella rides in her silver wedding gown,
 Past the crippled drummer boy, to the battleground. Her body trembles. Her knees go weak.
 An arena full of soldiers are killing cheek to cheek. The moment she arrives, the smoking cannons hush.
 Tucking in their shirts, down the generals rush. "Hello hello," she cries. "Everybody listen.
 My name is Cinderella, I'm a princess on a mission. I'm holding here a bullet, and whoever has the gun
 Which this bullet fits is quite a lucky one For he shall be my husband." Cinderella searches
 Their weapons one by one, stepping over corpses. Meanwhile in a room, the lovers get undressed 
 And argue with each other who loves the other best.

 The final soldier stands, infernos in his eyes,
 Clawing at his bandage. Like a lunatic, he cries,
 "I see burning mansions. I see burning stairs.
 I see love overcome the horror and despair."
 She wraps her arms around herself, shattered by the misery.
 Falling on his saber, he dies against her knees.

 She picks up the gun from the dead soldier's hand.
 The bullet fits perfectly. She says, "I understand How love can overcome. I can hear my true love call," Lays the gun against her breast,
 and lets the hammer fall.
 Her father back at home shivers from within And mutters to himself,
" Things are as they have always been." Meanwhile in the hall, echoes murmur as if ghosts Of enemies that argue who hates the other most.

8.
Star-Studded Extravaganza At the star-studded extravaganza Singers sang the songs of Abba. In a shocking fall from grace A starlet tripped and fell on her face In front of critics, fans, and cameras At the star-studded extravaganza. Now the world laughs at her name. In her high heel shoes she hangs her head in shame. Gods and goddesses of Olympus Human all too human knew this. Gravity gets away. Gravity has a way. Gravity tends to sway. Gravity goes one way. At the Miss America pageant One contestant went on a tangent— Something ‘bout the future is the children. Everyone laughed at her. I was the meanest one among them. Gods and goddesses of Olympus Human all too human knew this. Gravity gets away. Gravity has a way. Gravity tends to sway. Gravity goes one way.
9.
Babies 1 2 3 In a crib or on your knee. Sorry, I don’t feel the need, It’s not for me. Babies 4 5 6, Politicians have to kiss Something cute and little Debbie does the trick. Babies 7 8 9 Marching to the factory line Building rocket ships to spread and multiply. Babies 10 11 12 Making copies of themselves If there's a hell we make it here on Earth ourselves. Babies 13 we’re full up With names and numbers. There’s enough People here already crying out for love. Like a dandelion seed Blows and scatters in the breeze Or salmon swim to lay their eggs upstream. It’s a procreation song.
10.
You're Wrong 04:02
You’re Wrong Marguerita from a mix in a red plastic cup, Whatever’s going down tonight ain’t gonna get back up. Wedding party near the jetty, stumbling I relate. I got all the facts, but I just can’t keep them straight. Cousins drink White Russians, cracking open lobster shells. In-laws act like outlaws—they all are laws unto themselves. Father gives his millionth rant about Obamacare. “Yes,” I say, “Uh-huh. What else would you like to share?” And the men sing along to a dirty old drinking song. We don’t get along. It’s on, it’s on, it’s on, it’s on, it’s on, it’s on. I’m right, and you’re wrong. Grandpa says that FDR started World War Two. The neighbor says that corporate entities are people too. Bill’s a truther. Tim’s a birther. Where’s Hooters? I get mad From all the bad ideas humanity has ever had. And the men sing along to a dirty old drinking song. We don’t get along. It’s on, it’s on, it’s on, it’s on, it’s on, it’s on. I’m right, and you’re wrong. Full moon in the harbor shining like a pearl, The world is filling up with monkeys looking for a barrel. Listening to the lyrics, I am shocked and appalled By how little any of us jokers have evolved. And the men sing along to a dirty old drinking song. We don’t get along. It’s on, it’s on, it’s on, it’s on, it’s on, it’s on. I’m right, and you’re wrong.
11.
Cheat on You 02:07
Cheat on You 

 I don't think it's funny. You've been cheating on me, honey. I've seen it happen, and I've had enough
, So I'm gonna do something terrible to you. That's why tonight I'm all dressed up. I'm gonna cheat on you. Cheat on you. If you don't think it's fair, I don't really care. When the tables turn, you’d better grab a chair. I might call up an ex for some Tyrannosaurus Sex
 And if that makes you cry, I'm glad. If I find a floozy, I'll swim in her Jacuzzi. Pardon me, I don't mean to brag But I'm gonna cheat on you. Cheat on you.
 I'll handle it with grace as I rub it in your face
 And call you in the morning from her place. You can blame it all on Cupid. Maybe he needs glasses, or maybe he's just stupid. Love is for the dodos, And I think you'll agree when I show you the photos. When you cheated on me sweetie 
 You gave me a freebie— A one-way ticket to revenge. Everybody has their limits.
 All I need is fifteen minutes
 And with some luck one of your best friends To cheat on you. Cheat on you. If it's a ménage a tois
 You're not invited, ha ha ha. Baby, I still love you, na na na na na na na...


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Satirical songwriter tackles religion, family discord, political tension, existential dread, and infidelity.

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released February 1, 2017

Written and recorded by Christopher Thomas Elliott

All sound samples public domain.

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Austin & Elliott (Christopher Elliott and Lisa Austin) Montague, Massachusetts

Partners in harmonizing from Western Mass. Also, solo Christopher Elliott releases.

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